get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
