Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
