"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
