I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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