Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
