Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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