Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
