you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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