i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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