i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
