I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
