Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
