i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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