I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
