I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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