FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
