you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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