Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
