i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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