what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
