Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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