it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
