i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
