Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
