Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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