He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
