I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Houston, we have a blender
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
