Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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