ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
only you would photoshop your dick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
