I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
