Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
