After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
