Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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