True but thats because hes a fetus.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
