I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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