I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
