sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i believe in u and ur pee
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
