We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
