Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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