I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When did angry sex become our thing?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
