Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
