you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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