Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
