Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
