***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
