At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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