If that was your dad, he is hot
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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