I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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