Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
