How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
